Rough week

This has been kind of a rough week for me. At my job I had my first fetal demise, and it had to be one of the saddest things I’ve ever experienced. I cried there with the couple, I cried on my way to pick up the kids from my parents’ house, and I completely lost it when I was at home and the kids were in bed. Even now I feel like the images I saw are burned into my brain and I’ll never forget them. If I wasn’t completely anti abortion before that day, I certainly am now. I feel like the whole situation put me in a funk for the rest of the week. I’ve been sooo tired everyday, and just generally depressed feeling. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could talk about it, but then thinking about it is so sad that perhaps talking about it isn’t such a great idea. I suppose over time it’ll get better. I can’t even begin to imagine what the couple is going through. My heart aches for anyone who’s had a miscarriage. The whole time I was pregnant this last time that was my biggest fear. Frankly, I’m not sure I would’ve made it through something like that. It’s funny because when I was pregnant with my older two I don’t remember having that much fear of something like that happening. Not that I loved them any less, but I think I just was a lot more naive about things and felt more invincible than I do now. I’m older and have seen so much more and realize now exactly how frail life can be. I couldn’t wait to get home to my babies that day, I just wanted to hold them to me and not let them go. So, they of course, thought I had gone crazy.

On the marriage front things have been a little rough as well lately. It all stems from my husband’s job and the endless hours he works. He’s worked at least 6 days a week since April. Granted, the checks have been really nice, but the stress he feels and how he takes it out on all of us, not so nice. I hate the fact that he’s stuck at a job that he hates and that makes him so moody. But I don’t know what I can do about it. I feel so helpless. We go on vacation in August to visit his family and it can’t get here fast enough. I know he needs some time off so badly. I can’t believe that the company he works for thinks they can make people work so much, especially through the spring and summer. I mean, why not in the winter, when it’s cold and we don’t want to do anything and we could use the extra money for Christmas? Now that might make sense. I almost feel like we’re not even a family anymore. I pretty much feel like a single parent, and we don’t ever get to do anything as a family, so are we still one? I guess my deep love for him is what keeps me hanging in there. But it’s sad when we get to the point where we don’t like each other much. I’m sure things will get better, but the here and now is getting harder and harder to deal with.

Then, to top it all off, the baby is sick. Has an ear infection, and now has diarrhea from the antibiotics. Lots of fun to be had in our household this week!

I’m trying to come up with some ideas for Activity Days. This is where my lack of creativity is a real deficit. Not to mention my lack of enthusiasm. I’m so painfully shy that I have a hard time being silly around a group of girls. The only people who know how silly I really can be are my husband and kids. I don’t even get silly in front of my parents, that would just be too awkward.

I have a few days off of work now, so maybe I should really think about trying to do some writing. I’ve had this idea floating around for probably a couple of months now. I’ve written exactly one paragraph about it, but man I feel like it’s a good one. Maybe I’m afraid the rest of the story won’t live up to the opening. But letting it sit there won’t tell me anything, so I think I’ll really try to write more in it this week. See where it goes anyway.

I’ve managed to lose 4.8 pounds in 3 weeks. Would sound a lot better if 4.4 of it hadn’t been the first week. I’m hoping to lose more than 0.2 this week, but only time will tell. I haven’t managed to work out at all this week, plus I’ve eaten out a couple of times so that’s not a good sign. Even when I try not to be terrible with what I get, it’s still really bad point wise. Oh well, maybe I can work out once or twice before weigh in.

I’m getting some girl time tonight with some friends from church. I’m really excited, it will be nice to be able to just sit and chat with some women outside of church. Would really be nice to build some real friendships and have people I can really talk to, instead of just talking about superficial stuff. I miss my friend from my old job, but for some silly reason I get nervous about calling her. Need to get over that and give her a call next week.

Well, the baby is waking up so guess I should get her and feed her so I’m not late for my girl time. Hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday weekend. My husband actually gets 2 days off so maybe we’ll be able to enjoy our time together.

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